Tyrian Trump slowly climbed the cold stone stairs of Trump Tower, pausing every ten steps or so to catch his breath. The master mason had used the typical measure for the rise between the stair treads, which made progress particularly difficult for Tyrian, who stood only about half the height of a tall man.

Six months ago, after Tyrian had first tested the stairs, he’d fired the master mason, who was subsequently tossed from the highest ledge of the tower. It’d taken a team of apprentice servants more than three days to scrape his carcass from the flagstone courtyard.

Now, after thirty minutes of climbing, Tyrian limped out to a balcony and stepped onto a lacquered box and looked down into courtyard. His campaign staff was not standing in columns and rows like they were supposed to be. They slouched or lounged on the ground in groups, chattering away while their banners with snappy slogans snapped in the rising wind. Tyrian frowned, then coughed loudly, but no one seemed to hear. He shouted and waived until someone noticed.

“Lackeys,” he said as they quickly took their positions. “This is our time! The other pretenders to the throne are either losers or idiots or both. Did you see what happened when Daenerys Targaryen was put in charge of dragons? I wouldn’t hire her to walk my dog.”

A ragged cheer drifted up from his bannermen, and Tyrian raised his hands to accept their glorification. A gust of wind lifted his comb-over, and it flopped over like a door on a hinge. A square-faced man in the crowded stared with a funny look on his face.

Tyrian’s face was red as a beet as he grabbed for his trusty red cap that read, ‘Make Westeros Great Again.’ Pointing at the square-faced man, Tyrian shouted, “That man, there. Seize him. Where’s his birth certificate?”

As they dragged the man away, Tyrian wondered again why the people didn’t just declare him King of Kings and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and get it over with. Hadn’t
he told them how awesome it would be if they did? Why did he have to keep reminding them?

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